Monday, April 29, 2013

.last winter.

.i was lost in the snow again last night, in a strange little town. like a wolf cub abandoned by its pack. seeing another woman change into something more suited for walking on ice, i slipped off the shoes that you hate so much and watched them change color in my hands. meanwhile, my feet left shapes in the snow. the strange thing is, you were carrying me before this. one of the boys in the red shirt was angry with us. but you were carrying me, and then i was lost. abandoned, i walked away. i felt less out of place than i do on a route i take every day. then again, this was a dream.

.ever since, things have been strange.

.this morning when she came to sit beside me and her arm grazed mine, i imagined the near electric blue from around her eyes pass between us. i wonder if she did, too. 
i wonder what will become of our little world that i love so much and yet continually sabotage to the brink of it shattering in my palms. the problem is that i don't remember loving it when i'm in destruction-mode. as hard as i try, i can't bring back alive feelings a week old. my angel of doom. becomes unreal to me. just a shell of something i made up in a dream. and no matter how much i tell myself it's all real, it isn't real right now. and i don't know what to do with that. 
.i don't know what to do with this pen and this paper on my lap. might as well make little imperfect aeroplanes, set them on fire, watch them fly and celebrate.
celebrate everything in the universe that's burning up. maybe because there's nothing else left to celebrate. maybe because it's just easier to do than putting out the flames and salvaging what one can. i'm not sure which.