.sleep-taking.

.she strays.

.gently now

you've tugged at that hand a long time

breathed sweet, careful manipulations into that ear

long winters and summers longer still

built the bridge you'd have her cross, with matchsticks

and she has begun to move

find her at her weakest

comfort her with their absence

catch her in your black cloud as she sinks

but she woke up in a dream in his arms again

you are inside her songs

he keeps getting in the way

her dreams are getting in the way

her slender hand is slipping away

not just yet

she will belong to you

if only because they don’t know any better

follow her trail with the smile

he took from her

it leads back to something else

not to you

she would let you sink into her

he still gets in the way

she will belong to you

another summer?

not if you have your way

her face held close, close to yours

your hold strong enough that she can't breathe

that's all it takes

her eyes widen with the ember glow from yours

this restless work of art, forever incomplete

no more desolation every time she wakes

The pieces within her shift in answer to yours

she has fallen

and she will sleep no more.

.last winter.

.i was lost in the snow again last night, in a strange little town. like a wolf cub abandoned by its pack. seeing another woman change into something more suited for walking on ice, i slipped off the shoes that you hate so much and watched them change color in my hands. meanwhile, my feet left shapes in the snow. the strange thing is, you were carrying me before this. one of the boys in the red shirt was angry with us. but you were carrying me, and then i was lost. abandoned, i walked away. i felt less out of place than i do on a route i take every day. then again, this was a dream.

.ever since, things have been strange.

.this morning when she came to sit beside me and her arm grazed mine, i imagined the near electric blue from around her eyes pass between us. i wonder if she did, too. 

i wonder what will become of our little world that i love so much and yet continually sabotage to the brink of it shattering in my palms. the problem is that i don't remember loving it when i'm in destruction-mode. as hard as i try, i can't bring back alive feelings a week old. my angel of doom. becomes unreal to me. just a shell of something i made up in a dream. and no matter how much i tell myself it's all real, it isn't real right now. and i don't know what to do with that. 

.i don't know what to do with this pen and this paper on my lap. might as well make little imperfect aeroplanes, set them on fire, watch them fly and celebrate.

celebrate everything in the universe that's burning up. maybe because there's nothing else left to celebrate. maybe because it's just easier to do than putting out the flames and salvaging what one can. i'm not sure which.

"what happens to a dream deferred"

.last night, my dream escaped and flew to you. or maybe it wasn't a dream. just a stray thought, or a compact combination of all my thoughts, manifested in your dream. a ton of dead emoticons. and me saying 'i can't take it anymore'.

.something that won't disappoint.

.i am laughing bitterly at you in my head

sick of being stuck in the middle, you said
sick of playing hangman when you want to paint the moon
maybe you can't see yourself the way that i do
but wait, now i can't see you at all

my angel of doom, you always said you'd bring me down
and i laughed cheerfully instead
i am the living ghost of a goddess you dreamt up in my image, so very long ago
and even she had flaws

i will never be what you want me to be
i can never be what i want me to be
at least you have other options

but i am tired of hating myself each day i'm not her
i am tired of the lies i borrow from your lips, just to put that smile together
i am tired of the hope you plant in my soul so i can face another day, for another moment playing hangman with you
only to remember
you could be painting the moon with someone else.

.orion times three.

 .dreams cut loose may be hazardous to homework.

.can you see my mirror in your mirror?
eight lines separate the world.
kaleidoscope shards make a wormhole for hearts that know no better than to tumble into and out of place, thrown from souls into space, with no purpose but shapes to be changed forever.
.can your burn my flame in your fire?
nothing's ever complete when you desire. perspective is caught in the wink of an eye, from amongst sparks rising from the pyre, creating patterns, leaping higher and higher, with no purpose but to be entire in a never-ending sky.
wink of an eye, and then it is lost.
.can you be a map and not a maze?
this is but just another phase, with no purpose but to disengage the staticity if the earth stops moving. but what if the earth stood still and the lines curled round? and a little boy's xylophone was the only sound, all dreams would learn to stand their ground, and fling away the barriers. eight lines tumbling into and out of place until they're maps, and not a maze, and they throw back the shards till they're spinning inwards again, and they slow down, and tilt back once, twice...and tip over into the other side.

.sleep-waking.

.she stays.

.the sky is burning
i can hardly wait to see what it's been hiding
let the fire engines race to it, they won't make it
let the stars fall onto my arms
as the flames release them from the web above
and as they land
they will sink in and show me who i am
and where i belong
they are lined up on the shelf
now hold me tight
and let them lead the way
i watch them play on your palms
and i know
we're not going anywhere
we've lived our lives around this moment
i've just been acting stupid
now i know
and i need something to keep my hold on reality
the sky is calling
it can hardly wait to see what i've been hiding.

.Khionê.

.i see you with black feathers too.

.eyes closed. eyes open.
i feel the waves in me when you're breathing
subtle movements in tangled raw silk
fall from the sky, before you wake up
hold fast my last dream, lest it break up
hand closes around ray of sun
not before it blinded me and opened my eyes
might forgotten lives be recalled?
could it be my soul they enfold
those velvet wings that your fingers withhold
you've been my shadow before
you've swallowed me whole before
you've slipped away outside this mirror before
and let it spill out of these crevices in my heart
stretch out your arms
and their black cloud extensions will bring it all back
come, bring it with you to the shore
my love, we aren't lost anymore.

.take me home, lightstring.

.but they all turned into black glass beads.

i cant say i dont know
i wont say i do
we bring this night only one star with you
can you see it
will you take it
will you take us and drown
big fish in small pond
little fish in smaller cloud
take them with you when you go out
wait, i'll make them so proud
am i forgetting something
am i wishing out loud
are we there yet
is it fair yet
it's still something you can't covet

so no one told you
no, let me hold you
warm up, won't you
i am so very cold
this is getting old
too much too soon
so many stars too many
string of lights unwind me
like deltas in the sky
but only one little raft
littler journeys
much more anticipation
are we there yet
do you care yet
ember, when we've only just met

meander meander
when we're lost we'll surrender
this has been worth anything that i'll miss later
but not for you
you're lighting up promises now, too
take them with you when you burn out
secret weapons are finally about
ember, i don't know why we can't shout
so there's pretence and hope
wait, you said it out loud
but what about me
garnets will cry as embers turn onyx
are you there yet
do you care yet
do you care anymore.

.incendiary.

.the one with a thousand names.

.she stands on a balcony. in a tower of a castle on a cliff.
.she watches the summer pass the ocean by, and sings to the setting sun...

.this was doomed from the start. every little russet brick. built to end and take us with it. all because i can't talk and you can't live two lives apart. lulling me deeper into this sleep, you're waking yourself up. i can feel it. and my letters won't reach you. when i don't send them. because it wouldn't make a difference. they were written to end from the start.

i want you to give me a flower. so i can burn it and watch the flames sear it. every little russet petal. like i watch you sear my heart every second you're not my version of you. in silence. 'cause i won't stop you. i won't tell you anything. do what you want, and i'll listen. it'll be alright, after all. i would never have changed a thing. not even if i could.

free, with a letter. restless bird. unless you tie me down. trapped. and it's starting again. like before. retrace the text. what happens next. not again...
.i forgot.

.hello emptiness.

.this summer will be cold in memories.


.staring into the wind
waiting
the girl stands
with a spark at her mouth
spinning smoke
spinning windswept clouds
dreading
she knows you're coming
she hears your voices
lingering in the crevices of her mind
a writhing, wavering little thing
drawn always to you
she needs you to complete
the spaces she's blocked out
from a world that's locked her out
she brings it upon herself
he kisses her goodbye
every time
wryly
she smiles

wait for him to leave
she already knows
catch the door he swung back to close
you need no invitation
lurking has always been your approach
the floor makes footstep-sounds
creep up behind her
butterfly kisses against her shoulder
her head reclines
sadism plays on the curl of your lips
indulgently
she smiles

you've got me to yourself now
you say
she watches the spark at your mouth glow
in the dimness, you have ember eyes
smouldering
spinning smoke
in reverse
spinning her life open backwards
sit beside her on the dusty steps
in the muted storm
in her empty front porch
this summer's gonna be cold in memories
post-rain evenings, dirty roads
dust storms and dust bunnies
cars rushing by
empty houses
bitterly
she smiles

dusty porch-steps, lonely streetlight
windswept trees
he was here just last night
no moon
no witnesses
no wonder she's in distress
you lull her into slumber
your twisted work of art
forever wakeful, unfinished
you'll lose her to him soon
but not forever
she'll give herself over to you
another summer
incomplete
she smiles.

.meeres.schaum.

.part of me has waited to be in love with you for a very long time.

.die tiefe ihres herzens

du bringst es in ihr heraus

sie ist so ruhig

sie ist so traurig

aber sie hat dich doch

lösch' die kerze aus

leichte schritte auf dem sand

es war so einfach, als sie nicht verstand

die wellen kommen nah

gib ihnen die schritte

augen die immer ins leere wegschauen

doch kalt in deiner, bleibt die hand

die seele ruft zu dir

doch ihre lippen sind still

je mehr du ihr herz zu dir hin ziehst

um so mehr zieht sie zürück

sie will nicht dass du ihre träume erfüllst

zerstör sie nur

ihre stimme schreit, aber in den wolken

hör sie nur

schwarze flügel werfen runter

in deinen armen liegt sie nun

ihre träne auf deiner schulter

sie liebt dich so sehr

umarmt von deiner seele

es ist zu viel

öffne die augen und

schau sie nicht an

bring die ungeöffneten träume mit an die küste ran

wir gehen unter.

.high on cough syrup. phase two.

.the streak of color.

.he left scarlet blossoms for the bruised statue

this winter has waited too long to touch you

she'll vent hypocrisy, see how much you

let the summer burn her sorrow

a whirlwind of fate-set-in-motion stored inside a jar

and if we blur lust and emotion, that's just who we are

the darkness of a street engulfing two shadows in a car

I don't learn from mistakes, my love, mislead me and I'll follow

chain reactions are with the aftermath, I should've let you see

must it always be persistence against volatility

I am not the child I want you to perceive

an incomplete truth doesn't mean it's all for show.

that star looks lonely, coiled up in clouds, let's go for a swim

self-destructive tendencies aren't just another whim

yes, it's all planned, but I wonder which way captivates him

I'll spend a lifetime making it up to you. are. you. listening?

and I know this could be the one that destroys me

my heart throbs with anticipation, bittersweet sorrow

there's only so much of your color I can borrow

I'm dissolving

.are you waking up?

.high on cough syrup. phase one.

.i know this could be the one that destroys me.

.shadows sift in moonlit darkness with no air

curtains billow above, in a day, they'll be threadbare

I'll go out, but suffocation will follow me everywhere

and he, of all the facades for this heart, will seem hollow

a something that remains elusive and its place is empty

know it's missing. but it was yours. and know it always will be

everything begins and ends with your voice saying pretty

every pair of syllables deepens that I'm shallow

awakened in a cold sweat, burning a nonexistent fever away

no recollection of either reality, 'cause time is at fray

artificial lights on stone turned un-stone. everything's gray

but one shocking streak of life painted across a nothing

scrape myself off the floor and think about ending this non-life for the hundredth time, once more

I need to exist, if only in this one moment for you. not afterward and not before

warmth snapping at its heels is no more than porcelain should endure

a streak of red against a gray-scale spiral, and I'm falling.

.i can't help you.

.little butterfly, what do you know of love?

the dark lace of your wings can't compare to the blackness of our hearts

You flit away from the eyelid as it opens

much like the dream that flickers beneath it, soon as you leave

You fly onto the palm that can crush you if it wishes

you fly away before it does

What do you want?

little butterfly, do you feel pain?

watching us revel in the acid rain that chokes you

But our pain is so much more intricate, we'll say

Yet I wonder

What makes your life pale so in significance

compared to one of ours?

Why not drain this world dry of its nectar for our material claims to emotions

and leave for you only that of our industries?

What do we want?

little butterfly, do you have emotions?

or are the patterns your dance creates just escape routes?

Do you know you're doomed, if you don't give in to our blood-lust?

When you hover around me, are you asking for help?

Maybe you could salvage a little shard of this

and keep it, it's what you're a part of

Then again

What do you know of love?.

.give me a name.make me real.

.Eyes that know my soul to its very core

but don't know it yet

They look too deep into it all and lose perspective

make everything beautiful in their own way

What they don't see

Lips that frame words not meant to be understood

because they're not for you

Words that build castles in the air

and tear them down because they're too real

Make-belief

And I watch helplessly as the weather changes

I'll make sense of it all, but only just

I paint you a sky, you'll leave it untouched

Your world is not for me

You may think I'm easily read

but you speak a different dialect

And you could write a thousand songs

to me they will be silent

A mind that knows I'll listen

but always tries to make me talk

All the right words, are the wrong words

I've said too much

A voice that whispers dreams into my ear forever

I hang upon its every word

So long as it's there, I won't have to wake up

I know when I do, I won't remember

Decipher the universe for me, feed this world I made up

Compare me to sunshine, draw me clouds of cosmic dust

Make me surrender, then tell me I've won

Play with foundations of trust

And I may think the world of you

but the world, it crumbles around us

The bridges that you build for me will burn before they've bound us

We'll stand on opposite edges of this realm and reflect

What will it be?

A soul tethered to the ground by a cloud

calls out to its pieces within me

The sun rises within your eyes and melts the static hush

Fire changes the world for us from black and white

Look for me in your dreams and ask yourself if I'm real, once you're awake

One of us will know how to complicate

Hypothetical is all we ever were, and I can't tell if you see the irony

I help keep things real for you, my escape from reality.

.Reunions and Cataclysmic weather.

.this world of ours has fallen apart

we live in the ruins held tightly to our hearts

what do we miss most?

nothing seems to have changed

we pursue the destinies the wrong turns we took led us to

the chances of way back then, caged

can't we live in the past?

i know that boy's grown up now

that girl is not the same

and another heart's been wound into this

but we still have the stories

and four lives isn't that long ago, is it?

those silly games we played

they'll be replaced by wars

whose side am i taking?

i don't want to hurt you

but i can't hurt them

hearts are not mine for the breaking

the dreams i turned to

they couldn't tell me what i had to see

i failed to realize that wishful thinking

wouldn't bring you back to me

the words in the night sky

fade away just like you did

we should've seen it coming

we wanted what they all forbid

can't we hope for a future?

i know it seems so pointless

what with our little constricting world

standing so still

and the rifts in our trust endless

the friends we once had

are now a distant dream, a lie

a disappointment that has left me numb

and devoid me of the will to try

but we still have the stories

and looking back in a while

four lives will be long ago, won't it?.

.flickers through city lights.

.memories of you come like stabs of pain

ebb and flow

fireworks in the night sky don't mean what they used to

they startle me

what about you? Are you hurting?

every time I think about how I'm over you

twenty-four hours later, I find myself wanting to cry

not like I cry for you, not that I want you back

just that every time I look to that place in my heart

the one that was taken by you

all I find is emptiness

and I want something back

what if I had answered that one letter differently?

I turn around and a spark of light catches my eye

caught by something that was once part of you

and once belonged to me

now it lies, collecting dust

i'll keep it with me tomorrow

i'll keep it under my pillow

you know I won't

I see a silhouette

leaning against a wall, his arm outstretched

he's wearing a navy blue hoodie, sleeves rolled up to the elbows

strong, tan arm, the silver kara, a red thread around the wrist...

Images. flashes of a similar arm

around me

turn away now. don't look. don't think. ugh, this sucks

slide shows with a dark-set background play in fast forward

every time something related to you invades my mind

all I need is a replacement for that space of yours. something that is hard to find

this doesn't feel like a me who was ever someone's lover

but I see flickers of the times I was

and I look into me to salvage that piece of me again

do we wish to know what we left behind?

the phrase "you complete me" comes to mind

but you never did

isn't that why we left?

and yet again, I reconfirm my theory

even though it was just to try and prove it wrong

memories. stabs of pain.

ebb and flow. I have to let go

but of what?.

.forgive me.

.The sun may shine but the sky is gray
It gets harder to keep my tears at bay
I know I’ve hurt you, and now in me you’ll never believe
Please don’t take this as reason enough to leave
'Cause you said you’d always be there and I trusted you for it
We’re both haunted by this crime I never wanted to commit
You say I’m a liar, 'cause I’m at fault
Why is it so hard to find words to revolt?
You repeat the twisted words you heard from fools
Then you say my silence confirms these “facts” to be true
But I’m not silent. What I am is speechless…

.:safe in your heart:.

step back from the chaos, see the world from outside
you haven't put things in perspective for a while
remember me? you'd let go of my hand in the crowd
you were lost in the busy confusion, my voice drowned out by the loud
you think of me now, wishing i could return
but you don't need to worry, though i appreciate your concern

like all the dreams you see at night
i'm safe in your eyes
this world is so fast, let me rest for a while
i'll be safe in your smile

slow down, please wait, i'll catch up if you give me the chance
as long as you keep that place for me your heart, i'll continue to advance
i know i've got a long way to go, you've reached so very far
it got hard for you to stop, over 90 miles in your shiny car
but it's not what you desire, not like i am, never will be
you think you might have come too far ahead me to retrieve

believe in me and i'll come to you
i'm safe in your thoughts
i can't wait to get through all of these demands
and then,
i'll be safe in your arms

you're completely forgiven, though you left me alone
there was just so much else that had to be done
you had come close to giving up, but you waited
the time that we have lost can't all be compensated
but we have what we want; you-your dream, me-my dreamer
the stars seem set right, now that we're together

this world is too fast, now rest for a while
i'll be safe in your eyes
you'll find another dream now, a new start
but
.:i'm safe in your heart:.

..

Nothing

My heart stands still
Then why am I still breathing?
All I wanted was you, until
You gave me this wound that won’t stop bleeding

I thought you’d made it very clear
That you couldn’t care less, but how come
Your gaze, your thoughts are fixed on me, my dear
And when I needed you to be near
When I needed you to confess your feelings
You gave me an answer worse than any at all
You said nothing

So you know I’m with him now
Then why do you still haunt me?
I love him more than I love you now
But a replacement for you, none could ever be
You know it’s true
You know I just want you
To tell me
And yet, if words fail you again
You know all you gotta do is—

Say nothing
‘Cause we both heard what our hearts said
Though we don’t know what it is
That keeps us apart

You can leave it all unsaid and walk away
You can leave me standing dead and think it’s okay
In the end I’ll still know you’re hurting
I’ll always know what should’ve been
And all you had to say was nothing


My life stands still
Now that you're not in it
I fool myself into thinking I will
But how to let go, when I can’t forget?

My world without you;
What I am when you're not here;
Everything else in comparison;
And the one thing you could never mean to me:
Nothing

So, you’ve always known I'm a crazy dreamer
So, nothing will come of this at all
You're not a very good liar either
But we don’t need justification after all

So say nothing
‘Cause we both hear what our hearts are saying
Though we both know what it is
That keeps us together

You can leave it all unsaid and stay this way
You can leave the world behind and with me stay
But you won’t
And in the end
I’ll always know what could still be
And all you had to say was…nothing